Socialization is the number one reason that parents with means have cited to me for putting their young children in a daycare or school environment and the number one concern when I discuss with others the possibility of homeschooling my child (or theirs) long term. It is certainly a very critical element of a child's early education and I don't want to dismiss its importance. However, I would like to explore the difference between socializing and socialization, which I believe are different concepts and may relieve the pressure to thrust a child into school before he/she is ready.
Definitions vary but generally speaking, socialization is the continuous process by which humans acquire their personal identity and assimilate the norms, values, and behaviors appropriate to one's social status. This process begins in infancy and continues through adulthood. Early on, the most influential agents are the family and primary caregivers. As children grow and become more independent, peers and other outside influences become stronger, peeking in adolescence and then waning in importance as a young adult's sense of personal identity strengthens and solidifies.
Socializing, on the other hand, is just a single piece of the total socialization puzzle. This is what we're talking about when we organize play dates, put our children in sports, and when we enroll them in early education programs where they will have chances to play and interact with other children. Yet when I hear parents talk about giving children the opportunity to be around other children, they seem to use the concept of socializing and socialization interchangeably. I want to make two points very clear. First, putting your child around other children in the absence of any other ingredients produces a well socialized child in of itself about as well as putting flour in a mixing bowl and expecting it to turn into a cake does. Second, your importance as a parent in the role of socialization is not secondary to the role of peers or educators. Regardless of mode, you are the mold by which all other events will be assimilated into the whole picture.
Let me say it again: YOU are the most important part of your child's assimilation into society even if your only message to them is your lack of presence or participation in it.
So, now that we've established that by considering socialization for our children, we are mostly considering the socializing of children with each other but not the whole shooting match, let's discuss that. In my view, the daycare or classroom model where 10-20 children are regularly put in front of a single caregiver is not the only way nor oftentimes the best way for kids to interact with one another. How many times have we asked ourselves after hearing about a severe bullying incident, "Where was the teacher?" My own mother asked me this many times when I'd relay school events to her at the end of the day. I'd usually just shrug. Where WAS the teacher? Or even worse, the teacher IS told and the response to the child is "Don't be a tattletale". Truth be told, teachers don't have time to deal with the natural outcroppings of the interaction of 20 relatively socially inexperienced children nor are they primarily concerned with it. We're so worried about children having early social experiences that we haven't stopped to analyze whether those experiences are good or bad for their overall socialization. The regular barrage of forced social interaction by children in school seems like a perfect way for normal children to feel as if they are actually introverted or unable to solidify friendships and I blame lack of guidance and importance placed on the quality of interaction v. the quantity of interaction.
If we're going for a "let them figure it out themselves" model of peer socialization, why mix academics in it at all? Let playground rules reign supreme on the playground and let them learn their lessons in peace. This amounts to the modern day homeschooling student. The student spends a few hours a day on the curriculum and the rest is filled with other activities of the parent's and child's choosing. In today's world, it is easier than ever to provide opportunities for socializing through social media and various clubs and activities. Here, we can easily control the quality v. quantity.
My son is only 3.5, but we are already overwhelmed by the number of activities there are for him to participate in. Most are wonderful ways for him to interact with another adult (teachers and coaches) and for him to meet other children. He's had no lack of peer experience these 3 years. He's done swimming lessons, kindermusik, Little Gym, art classes, and soccer for formal activities and had hundreds of mommy organized play dates and impromptu neighborhood play times. He finds children to play with at the zoo and the children's museum and at the fast food restaurant playland. My son is notorious for butting in on parent/child reading time at the library by plopping himself down next to an interesting pair and listening in. And as I've mentioned before, people seem confused when I disclose that he has never been to daycare or preschool. I am social, therefore my child is social. Put like that, it makes perfect sense, does it not?
But what if you are not social? What if your child isn't social? First, let me assume that you are a functioning and happy adult. If you are, why the need to feel bad for not wanting a lot of out of the home socializing? The same goes for your child. If he/she is introverted, will placing them in situations where they are required to be social change their innate preference to play by themselves or with 1 or 2 friends? If they aren't behind with language development or manners when they do interact with others, what are you worried about?
What we're really hoping for our children is the ability to make solid and rewarding friendships with good people and to react appropriately to social situations. I believe that the chances to make good friends are not increased by exposure to children alone nor do I believe that we should downplay our importance as parents in helping our children become socially aware.
Lots of homeschoolers have written on this very issue. Please check out my (still in progress) homeschooling links page for some links to articles on homeschool and socialization.
Finally, I just want to reassure anyone who has chosen to put their children in daycare or school for the social interactions, I am SO with you. It IS important to have them around other kids at times. And if you are there at the end of the day to help them interpret those interactions, great! If it gives you the time you need to work or just recharge your batteries, great! I'm so supportive of all the choices we make in doing the best things for our own family situation. I'm no psychologist and I certainly don't judge. These are my swirling around my crazy head thoughts only; take them for what you will.
